Q: I've been married for 11 years and my husband and I are very much in love. However, about a year ago we went through some hard times and I suspect that my husband cheated on me. I asked and he denied but my gut feeling tells me that he did it. I left it alone but recently, I met an old schoolmate and am thinking of having an affair myself. This man and me seem to have a lot in common and we enjoy each other's company a lot. I really don't want to destroy my marriage but deep inside, I just feel that my husband deserves me to cheat on him.
A: Tonya, are you listening to what you are saying? It seems you have provided the answer yourself. You don't want to destroy your marriage yet you are contemplating a potentially marriage-breaking exercise. In my opinion, your marriage seems to lack an open line of communication. There seems to be a lot of distrust and suspicion. An extra-marital affair never solved anything as far I know.
What I suggests is this.
1. Talk to him about the time when you suspected him having an affair. Don't bring it up directly but refer to it as the time when he seemed distanced from you. You have to have an open mind and weigh the possibilities should his answer go either way. What will you do or say should he admit to it? How will you react if he again declares he is innocent. You will have to let him know how much his behaviour at the time hurt you.
2. Discuss how you have both let the marriage get a little boring and come to a consensus on how you will both work to spicing things up.
3. Ideally, you should try getting away from familiar surroundings of the home. Take a short vacation when its just you and him and free from any family or work distractions.
4. You ought to put a stop to complicating things by having a vengeful affair yourself. You have the power to do so and if you are weak, you will never get down to the truth which will inevitably eat into you.
Missus Singapore out!
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