A MATTER OF PRIORITY

Divorces are on the rise over here and from what I read, it's not just a Singapore thing. Usually its cited as irreconcilable differences which could be taken to mean any of 1,000 reasons. But a conversation I had with two marriage counselors recently seemed to have the reasons narrowed down to two main issues - money and sex.

Usually, many other issues are brought up for mention but in more cases than not, these are just fall-outs from a collapsed bridge of communication and intimacy.

I will save what I gathered from these experts for an article I am working on but essentially, both seemed to echo that the problems many married couples face have to do with mistrust, suspicion, and lack of sharing between both parties.

For the purpose of sticking to this blog's theme, I'd like to lean towards the breakdown in sexual intimacy. In a society where sex ranks very low in terms of priority, thanks to our hectic work and family commitments, it's not surprising with the predicament many couples find themselves in after a few years.


In our context, as open an Asian society you will ever find, we are still viewing sex no more than an exercise for procreation. Yes, it does that and it's vital in our fast ageing population but few ever stop to think about how sexual intimacy can make or break a marriage. No, it's not the only thing important in a marriage but it sure is hell is an important adhesive to the relationship.

If you subscribe to the idea that a family is centred around the strong core of the parents' relationship, then ignoring and failing to look after it is a big folly. Let's not mince words here. In Singapore it's all about making babies, intimacy, loving relationship...but in truth, it's really all about sex. We often are too quick to underestimate how it works in the background to fuel the closeness between two people.

I am not proposing that we just focus on sex alone in a marriage but it should be an active part of the union and it should be spoken about in every way - with seriousness, humour, fondness and even lust. A couple who is open with each other will find it easier to communicate about a host of other things - be it about money, bringing up the children, in-laws, etc.

When you are younger and have sexual energy to burn, it's counter-productive when you keep it in. When you are older, sex inevitably takes on a slightly lesser priority but if you have navigated through the deep waters early, you will definitely find it a lot easier to live with each other. It's like the growing and impressionable days of a marriage - you have to nurture it or face a strong possibility that it will fail in due course.

Missus Singapore out!

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SAD SANDY

Sandy is an administrative executive in a legal firm here and is divorced. Not surprisingly, Christmas is one of the most wretched times of the year for her.

She had been married for 12 years before she and her husband got a divorce in August this year. There was a lot of anger and frustration but she eventually pulled herself out of that only to be hit by the seasonal reflections that all of us experience.

She cited irreconcilable differences as the reason behind their failed marriage but in truth, the breakdown had to do a lot with their failure to focus on their relationship. They had both been doing well in their respective careers and had two wonderful children, 4 and 7 years of age. She also enjoyed a close relationship with her husband's family.

When she announced to her girlfriends about the split, we were shocked. Not much shocks me honestly but this did to some extend. I knew both of them well and had the impression that they somehow figured things out. I was wrong, and so was she.

She mentioned sometime back that their sex life was bad. (I actually posted a blog about it last year.) I knew the importance of sex in a marriage although I also accept that it is not the only critical factor but nonetheless, for them, it was at the very core of their break-up.

They never argued about finances, or bringing up the kids and stuff. However, they never argued about sex too because neither was making time for it too. Inevitably, the intimacy or lack of it, dug a chasm in the background that both of them were oblivious to.

I remember asking her why they weren't getting it on more and her reply was that there will be time enough to do so once things get settled. That was in 2006. Look what has happened in 2010.

It was no fun spending time during Christmas with a friend crying on your shoulder and I hope she manages to sort things out soon. But with divorce cases on the rise here (and around the world), we really should start thinking more about putting in more into a marital relationship. It is not just for the two people involved but when you have a family, the children are the most important.

I'm not saying that having more sex and intimacy in a marriage is a fool-proof way to avoid a divorce but with so many factors pulling a couple towards it, it will help if there is one less area to worry about.

Be strong Sandy. We are all rooting for you!

Missus Singapore out!

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SHE'S GONE

It is a sad day today. My friend Amanda called me to tell me that she finally left her husband of six years. It was such a pity and I received the news with a heavy heart. If you remember some years back, I posted about her and all the problems she was having in bed.

Well, to recap, the sex was just not good but although she can joke about it now that it was the bad sex that caused her to up and leave, I knew there were deeper issues.

I've always been a proponent of the importance of sex in a marriage but it merely plays a complimentary role. There are so many other elements that are involved in a marriage. Ultimately, open communication, honesty and equality are vital - things she never did have in her relationship. It is really such a pity because there was just so much hope when they got hitched.

But looking back, these two were really too driven by their careers to be ready for marriage. If they had waited just a little longer, spoken at length about their priorities then, they would have had a better chance evading such a an outcome. Amanda agrees.

Sex may not make a marriage but it certainly can help strengthen in. Unfortunately, they were one of those couples who had to schedule for it. Once a week became once a fortnight and soon they just got too busy to even plan for it. They drifted apart and even without fighting that much, the writing was on the wall for their union.

Alas, another marriage bites the dust.

Missus Singapore out!

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SEX WILL SAVE THE DAY!

It's happening everywhere - divorces are on the rise. I guess in that sense, the fact that my marriage is approaching it's 21st year in June this year, puts me in a rather unique group - firstly, to be married so long and secondly, to have even got married!

Quite a number of my friends are divorced and when I asked them about the reasons behind their split, I get the same old reason - argued far too much for their liking. As for the subjects of their arguments - the usual culprits emerge - disagreements over money, bringing up the children, inequality of responsibilities and the adage old cause - infidelity.

Of course there were two among them who admitted they left because of abuse - one physical and one verbal. I suppose I can understand their reasons for leaving because I certainly won't tolerate abuse in any form.

Coming back to the other divorcee-friends, what I also found out was not surprisingly, that all of them were not enjoying healthy sex lives preceding the time their problems erupted. For some of them, sex had been out of their marital radar for years!

It's what brought them together in the first place - the attraction and interaction culminating in mind-blowing passion. Yet they somehow are oblivious to the fact that it can also keep them together. You have to stroke the flames to keep it going. Yes, it's hard. I know for sure. But the longer you leave it on the shelf, the more dust it gets hidden under.

You'll hear it time and time again - that sex isn't everything in a marriage. I fully agree but as long as you have working equipment, it can be a leveler in a relationship.

Differences with money, bringing up the children and responsibilities all come down to one thing - poor communication. Disagreements are normal but too many spend time arguing their point instead of finding a solution, a workable compromise. They are just too uptight.

I suppose with today's generation, people are also so eager to give up and walk away from a marriage when the slightest problem emerges. Patience and tolerance have seemingly been cast aside into the annals of history when it comes to marriage these days.

The problem is that many just have sex for the sake of having it, never bothering to stop and think about the effects it can have on their mental and emotional state. To them, the purpose of sex revolves around consummation, impregnation and manipulation.

Sex is an instinctive trait of our species no doubt - but it's also a powerful communication tool and effective bonding mechanism for couples.

With a strong sexual relationship - in the sense that you don't just have it but explore and talk about it - you somehow immerse yourselves in the proverbial 'same boat' scenario. It becomes an exciting journey you take together as a two-man team.

Whether it is reading erotica and discussing about it over coffee or watching porn together and picking up new tricks, its a refreshing subject that appeals to most of us. It's like going sailing or hiking together but only better.

Let's put it this way, if you can have open discussions about sex, most other things pale in comparison. You somehow feel engaged to parley with your spouse. Nothing else quite has the same ability to support a connection. With lines of communication wide open, you have a better chance of undertaking an open and fair discussion on most other subjects. It just easier to talk to one another.

The bigger picture is that as your relationship irons itself out with a hot sex press, an environment of mutual respect and warmth shared between the two of you will descend on the home. Think of the family. Think of the kids.

Lastly, we are also overlooking the calming effect that sex has on our minds. Now, don't we feel calmer, less stressed and really satisfied with our lives after a big O? Of course if you think you are really not the marrying sort, don't tempt fate and add more to the already-obscene divorce levels. If anything is going to reverse this trend, trust me, sex will!

Missus Singapore out!

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