ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a question sent in my Martha Simon from Malaysia. She is 26 and works as an executive in a global advertising firm based in her homeland. She sent in a question that I have to admit, many women have asked me before. So here is her query and my best answer for her.

Q: I have been with my fiance for four years and love him a lot. However, lately, I find it harder to get aroused thinking of making love to him. The one solution I have found out is to fantasize about him making love to another woman. That always does the trick for me. In fact, I now pretend that I am the other woman. But that said, I am a very jealous woman and cannot bear to think of him with someone else. What is this about me?

MS: Well, the one thing I can say about sex is that feelings and fantasies about them are often not easy to explain. You have to know that they do not necessarily reflect what we actually want.

However, in a long-term relationship, one of the major challenges I find is to keep sex exciting. And to that extent, fantasy is one possible technique. While it is healthy and normal, I strongly suggest that you give some thought about why sex with him has become what it has.

How do you wish for it to be different? Perhaps you might share it with him because chances are, he might be feeling the same way too.

Maybe it is too routine? Too infrequent? Too often? Does he do things to you you don't particularly like? And does he know about that? Or do you wish for him to do certain things to you?

You will be surprised what many couples like yourselves can achieve by simple communication. In fact, talking sometimes can be a real turn on as you both discover a deeper side of each other.

Consider this. You could role play? Make believe that you are both married to someone else and are sneaking about. Test the waters by saying that you feel like you are his mistress while you are making love to him. Listen and watch for his reaction. By being someone else, you can tell him the different things that you like. Use some creativity to bring the spark back. It won't just happen by yourself so go about it as a team and I am sure you will find the right formula in no time.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a question sent in by Tonya Long from New Zealand.

Q: I've been married for 11 years and my husband and I are very much in love. However, about a year ago we went through some hard times and I suspect that my husband cheated on me. I asked and he denied but my gut feeling tells me that he did it. I left it alone but recently, I met an old schoolmate and am thinking of having an affair myself. This man and me seem to have a lot in common and we enjoy each other's company a lot. I really don't want to destroy my marriage but deep inside, I just feel that my husband deserves me to cheat on him.

A: Tonya, are you listening to what you are saying? It seems you have provided the answer yourself. You don't want to destroy your marriage yet you are contemplating a potentially marriage-breaking exercise. In my opinion, your marriage seems to lack an open line of communication. There seems to be a lot of distrust and suspicion. An extra-marital affair never solved anything as far I know.

What I suggests is this.
1. Talk to him about the time when you suspected him having an affair. Don't bring it up directly but refer to it as the time when he seemed distanced from you. You have to have an open mind and weigh the possibilities should his answer go either way. What will you do or say should he admit to it? How will you react if he again declares he is innocent. You will have to let him know how much his behaviour at the time hurt you.

2. Discuss how you have both let the marriage get a little boring and come to a consensus on how you will both work to spicing things up.

3. Ideally, you should try getting away from familiar surroundings of the home. Take a short vacation when its just you and him and free from any family or work distractions.

4. You ought to put a stop to complicating things by having a vengeful affair yourself. You have the power to do so and if you are weak, you will never get down to the truth which will inevitably eat into you.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a query sent in by Stephen. He has a problem that is echoed by many emails I receive from time to time. So I guess now is as good a time as any to address it. 

Q: I just got married six months ago and it was great initially but now, my wife and I are not making out that often as before. I suppose it may be due to stress and family problems. Since I have a high sex drive, I can't stop fantasising having sex, even with other women. I know it is a bad thing to do but what should I do? Should I just pay some hooker or would I have to wait for my wife to come around and start making out again.


MS: A relationship is a very complex issue but it certainly becomes more complicated when marriage comes about. The initial months and even years, can involve a great adjustment in both of your lives as you go about adapting to a totally different sex of circumstances. There is naturally a mix of confusion, frustration, inward doubts, and sometimes even anger.

So the question is why then get married?

Well, it is a risk no doubt but it is also a challenge which we can take in a positive way. If you want to overcome the challenges, there is no two ways about it - you will have to do it as a team. It is the same way if you were a singles tennis player and now have to adapt to being in a doubles partnership. You will have to train with each other to get to know just about everything about  your new partner. Marriage is the same way but sadly, not given the same kind of attention (and training).

You don't have to live under the same roof with a woman to know that she has a phases but it's different now that you have to be there. There is no dropping her off quickly and heading home to your personal comfort zone.

I honestly feel that it is not so much about sex but more about her emotions behind this major phase in her life. Sometimes, it takes a longer time for some people to adjust to the new situation.

The best advise I can give you is to communicate. Obviously, you are second guessing her at this stage and she may just need a listening ear. It might just do the trick. Another thing to take note of is after all the excitement leading up to your wedding, she may be suffering a post-wedding burn out. Six months is not a lot of time for some to get over it.

However, if she is ignoring you, then there is a problem. Engage her. Ask her what is wrong. Send her loving and concerned text messages or post-its. Don't appear to put pressure on her having sex. Take her out. Romance her again.

Your suggestion of paying a hooker and getting off is only gong to complicate matters more. I'd rather you pay me the money for my advice! I'm no qualified marriage counselor mind you but I have been told that I have a good strategy in getting couples to come out and talk about things.

Good luck.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: What kind of bed is best for sex?

A: If you are not particularly adventurous, any bed will do really. But if you are constantly trying to take your love-making to new levels of athleticism, a soft mattress is definitely not ideal. You’ll want a firm one so that knees and elbows don’t sink in. A nice comfy headboard would be a welcome addition especially when the man wants to sit up while the woman is at work.

A platform bed is also ideal – better support and more sturdy. Besides with a pillow or thick carpet for knee support, the bed becomes a good prop for the man-from behind position. And try throwing in a few hard cushions and let your imagination run wild.

Personally for me, I would ideally like to try a variety of beds or props. I've tried a water bed once and it was really a great feeling having the contours of your body just slip in there. Unfortunately, the dude couldn't fuck to save his life! Just my luck to have a super bed and a super duper dud to go with!

In any case, you should invest in a good bed for a good night's sleep. If anything, you will need it more for that. As for sex, well you can really get it on anywhere.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Do women enjoy the man-from behind position?

MS: Personally, I love it but only if the man does it right and not tries to bang you off the bed! The problem is not so much with the position but with how most men hold the woman when they do it. Most push down on the butt which makes it hard for the woman to keep on her fours. Others squeeze the waist too tight which can either be downright painful or ticklish.

All you really need to do is gently hold on to her waist, just below her pelvic bone – and support her gently. Just keep it simple, increase the rhythm on her cue and don’t over-estimate the length of your manhood or it will keep slipping out and hit her sensitive areas. Now this is a definite turn off.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: My bedroom is just too small for sex. What can I do?

MS: Unfortunately, in Singapore, many apartments, even (or especially) the private ones have bedrooms just big enough for a queen-sized bed. You will be lucky to fit a king-sized bed to be honest. Most wardrobes are built-in though.

But in all honesty, the bed is the least of your problems seeing that there is not much you can do to increase space. Perhaps, what you ought to do is make the room more conducive for the ritual.

Many often ignore the environmental factors – laundry basket, clutter on the floor or toilet-table, dusty frames or surfaces and the most important – the lack of ideal mood illumination. Go for incandescent lighting with a dark-coloured lamp shade or even candles if space is a serious issue. Keep the room clean, scent it up and if you like, bring in some music too.

Other than that, you will need a lot of imagination and creativity to make it a spicy experience.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Is it normal for a woman to prefer fondling and a massage over sex? That seems to be the case with my partner.

MS: Remember the moments leading to your first sexual encounter? Chances are it was passionate with fondling and foreplay to last a lifetime. It has to do with touch. She may feel tired but it may be her way of asking you to help relax her body. It may not always end up with sex but such a deed is registered and payback is often to your benefit.

Don’t underrate what touch can do for a woman. Hey, if she allows you to touch her, that’s always a good sign. Maybe she just wants to take it slow and revisit with those heady moments of past. Moreover, a nice massage can get the blood flowing all over which has the tendency to not only soothe but also arouse. At the end of the day, you have to remember that every woman is different and respond differently to touch.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

I only seem to be able to bring my wife to orgasm one way. We rarely try any other position and it’s getting quite boring.

Q: You seem to repeat it because it works. She doesn’t mind as long as she gets off. There is nothing wrong with that but if the journey is not particularly enjoyable anymore, it might have to do with monotony seeping in. You should consciously try to get her to explore other positions.

Books are aplenty on options. Discuss it, visualise doing it and head to the bedroom to experiment. You will find that even if you fumble and never get it right, it tends to add more adventure and fun to your bedroom sojourns. Look at it this way: even if it fails to achieve the desired results, there is always a foolproof alternative.

The trick is not to be too hung up on finding another orgasm-inducing position. A lot of times, it is discovered by accident and isn't that better? The fact that you are finding for something new shows that sexual gratification is high up on your list of priorities and that is a good thing for your relationship.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is yet another from my column in a local men's magazine. Thanks for all your comments, observations and questions.

Q: My wife was always passive in bed but recently, she began ‘instructing’ me. Is this a phase or are hormones at work?

MS: I think this has to do with her growing sexual awareness and wants. It’s normal for a women experience this but many suppress it due to convention. Just enjoy the ride.

Women also tend to pick up ‘tricks and tips’ from magazines. If you really want to know what happens to a woman’s body and mind during sex, pick up a woman’s magazine to find out what women want or are not getting enough of.

Another possibility is for you to look at whether you are doing what she wants you to do to her. Dare I say, it could be that she has grown tired of hinting and has decided to grab the bull by the horns.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: My wife and I travel together regularly and are thinking of joining the mile-high club. Any suggestions?

MS: I been there a few times when the opportunities arrived but I certainly don't go forcing the issue. Honestly, I’ve accepted from experience that my idea of naughtiness and adventure is certainly not having sex in a plane’s lavatory. It’s really gross in there, not to mention small.

But if you must, get in soon after the seat-belt warning goes off. Make your move when there are distractions (meal-serving) and not during a movie. Enter at minute intervals and use the rear lavatory to avoid the 'walk of shame' back to your seats.

If you have the row to yourselves, you might try to discretely manoeuvre about under a blanket (pretending to cuddle-up). With limited leg-space though, you have to be really flexible to pull it off though. If she has the right attire (loose long skirt with no undies on), that helps. The spoon is ideal although I once saw a couple doing it with the woman fully on-top facing frontwards.

Bottom line, just don’t get caught.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Is size an issue with women?

MS: This obsession with size seems to be a male thing. Most of you live in constant fear that your manhood is not big enough, even the well-hung among you.

Sure, you’ll come across the odd woman who thinks size is everything, but for most others, what is more important and satisfying is when a man knows what to do with his penis.

Men who worry too much about size likely lack self-esteem. Just stop focusing on size and quit attaching self-worth (or performance) to it. Big or small, it is a wonderful toy for a woman provided you don’t let it take over the night. Let your mind and creativity do it.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is another reader's query from the magazine where this column appeared.

Q: Will cybersex hurt my relationship?

MS: I’ll answer that by asking a question. Will it upset you if you found out your partner was doing it? If your partner is not kept in the dark and considers it harmless, then type yourself off.

That said, the excitement can no doubt be a draw but when things get intense, sometimes one party can push for a meeting. Are you prepared to decline?

Many people think it constitutes cheating but I take a more liberal stand. If your partner knows and you transmit the excitement to her benefit in bed, that’s great. But if it begins to replace or interfere with intimate relationships, then buddy, you got bigger problems ahead.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Do women really like a body massage or is it just an excuse to not have sex?

MS: Honestly, it could be an excuse to HAVE sex. You need to understand what touch does to a woman and how her body reacts to it. Massage involves a sensual touch which is most relaxing when you do get the areas and pressure right.

By releasing the blocked energy flow in her body, you will also help stir up her sexual energy. Any woman who says she doesn’t feel some measure of arousal during a massage is lying. So brush up on your massage skills if you want to stand a better chance of loosening and priming her up for the act.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

After a day’s work, my partner and I are often left mood-less for sex, not tired. We want to get our sexual motors running again. Any suggestions?

MS: This is really an issue of being re-energised and getting the balance back. You feel mood-less, so you need to rev up the endorphins. I always believe the road to the best sex in your life is not a matter of the acrobatics you undertake in the bedroom. It’s the experience when the body, mind and spirit peak together.

To increase your chances of hitting those highs, you got to get out of the bedroom and clock in some exercise together, to get the circulation going, clear the mind and entice those muscles to feel like they could do with a little bedroom routine later on.

PS: Quite a number of you have asked where this column of mine appears. Well it was run for over two years in a magazine for men in Singapore. That was from 2007 or thereabouts so I don't think it's available. Anyway, it's really just a small box-type Q&A.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is another column featured in a men's magazine.

Q: How do I start sharing sexual fantasies with my partner?

MS: I’m all for fantasy sharing but timing and dosage are vital. Men usually get timing terribly wrong. It’s not about when you feel like sharing but whether she is in the mood to hear it. Bottom line: know your woman well.

If a woman is particularly conservative in the fantasy realm, overwhelming her with hardcore ideas may have her packing her bags. So the key is to start simple, like wanting to get it on in a parked car or on the kitchen cabinet with her. Then gradually change the location, activities and personnel.

Just remember that once the ball is in motion, you should be able to take it as good as you dish it out.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Why won't she masturbate in front of me as part of foreplay?

MS: It’s probably because she might feel a little self-conscious if she were to do it while you sit and watch. It is pretty normal since masturbation is by-and-large, a private indulgence. Some women actually masturbate before their partner comes over to get their juices flowing.

Has it occurred to you that maybe it could be that she simply prefers the real thing? Perhaps her not wanting to masturbate when you are before her could also be a vote-of-confidence of your sexual prowess.

Accept it, celebrate the attention she gives you and don’t complain too much. Remember this: It is not difficult these days for a woman to find a sex toy that is more dependable and satisfying than what any man has to offer.

Also, when you grow more comfortable with each other, her exhibitionist tendencies may emerge. Don't bother too much about it.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

I've received many questions stemming from this column and just to clarify things, these questions are not from readers of Missus Singapore. They come from a column I used to have in a local Men's Magazine.

Nonetheless, I'm certainly pleased with your queries which I will definitely have to address in a separate forum - perhaps another column. I've also managed to put together all your confessions finally and honestly, I have enough confessions for a book! Kisses!

In the mean time, here is this week's ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN.

Q: I have a fetish for her toes. How do I bring it up to my girlfriend without freaking her out?

MS: Unless you know each other very well, bringing up such a request during a conversation may send her on her way. Out of the bedroom, you can always compliment her toes. Joke that they look so good that you could just suck on them. If she freaks out, at least you can say that you were only kidding.
In bed, you might try kissing her from the inner thighs and gradually moving down. Invariably, her toes would be a natural stop for your tongue’s journey. Observe her reaction and you can take it from there.

If she squirms with obvious delight, you’re one step closer to satisfying your fetish. If she pulls away or starts laughing uncontrollably, find another fetish.

Add On: Interesting subject this one. I knew of a few guys who loved to suck on my toes but unfortunately all, except one - a guy from Australia, failed miserably. They always claim to know what to do but it's the usual ending - leaving me disappointed.

The worse was this one guy, a local chap - was a little on the plump side, tiny little member, and when it came down to sucking on my toes, I just flipped out. I don't even think he knows how to suck on an ice-lolly to begin with. Anyway, interestingly enough, he wants to get in touch again and has a girlfriend who is very insecure about him knowing me.

My take? A recipe for trouble. But it's no loss of mine, she has got him and she can keep him because I'd rather turn to my toys then entertain his lack of skill in all areas.

In such a scenario, saying someone sucks at toe-sucking may be a compliment but in his case, I mean it in the most negative of ways.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend but we have not got down to phone or online sex yet. Is there a difference for a woman?

MS: Online-sex is never as good as phone-sex unless you have a webcam and speaker hooked up. If there is a need to type, then forget about it. As a rule of thumb, phone-sex is only good when your hands are freed up for self-satisfying endeavours.

On the phone, response is quick and moans are so much more erotic. To fire up your conversation quickly, tell her how horny you are for her. Talk about the things you’d like to do to her and her to you. Be adventurous and explicit and spare no details but keep the pace constantly slower than you would a normal conversation.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is another from my column in the Men's Magazine sometime back.

Q: Her bedroom shyness used to be cute and a turn-on but now it's getting a bit boring. How do I lure her out to be more expressive?

MS: I take it you mean she is coy about exposing her body fully. Many women, even those with knock-out bods do occasionally feel conscious about some self-conceived faults or inadequacies in their bodies. Unless you know her well enough, broaching the subject may backfire.

The trick is to give her confidence that she has a knock-out body (even if she doesn’t). During sex, tell her what you like about her body, how much of a turn on it is to feel her and see her in the buff, and it will gradually get her out from under the sheets. Bottom line: women love to receive compliments with or without clothes on.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is the next installment of this column, reproduced from the one that ran in a local man's magazine.

Q: Our sex life has plummeted ever since the baby came along. How can we go back to those pre-baby hot nights?

MS: Instead of making time for sex (not always possible), try creating and sustaining the mood for it. That way, when baby decides to suddenly take a siesta, you can get straight down to it without spending too much time getting your motors up and running.

Keep the flirting going through conversation, SMS or naughty post-its. Sneak into the shower together or treat her to a nice body massage. Ironically, the best thing you can do to keep things hot is to help with the chores.

Seriously! If a woman isn’t overwhelmed by mothering duties, there’s a greater chance she’ll put her freed-up energy to show her deepest (pun intended) appreciation.

Missus Singapore out!

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