ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a question sent in my Martha Simon from Malaysia. She is 26 and works as an executive in a global advertising firm based in her homeland. She sent in a question that I have to admit, many women have asked me before. So here is her query and my best answer for her.

Q: I have been with my fiance for four years and love him a lot. However, lately, I find it harder to get aroused thinking of making love to him. The one solution I have found out is to fantasize about him making love to another woman. That always does the trick for me. In fact, I now pretend that I am the other woman. But that said, I am a very jealous woman and cannot bear to think of him with someone else. What is this about me?

MS: Well, the one thing I can say about sex is that feelings and fantasies about them are often not easy to explain. You have to know that they do not necessarily reflect what we actually want.

However, in a long-term relationship, one of the major challenges I find is to keep sex exciting. And to that extent, fantasy is one possible technique. While it is healthy and normal, I strongly suggest that you give some thought about why sex with him has become what it has.

How do you wish for it to be different? Perhaps you might share it with him because chances are, he might be feeling the same way too.

Maybe it is too routine? Too infrequent? Too often? Does he do things to you you don't particularly like? And does he know about that? Or do you wish for him to do certain things to you?

You will be surprised what many couples like yourselves can achieve by simple communication. In fact, talking sometimes can be a real turn on as you both discover a deeper side of each other.

Consider this. You could role play? Make believe that you are both married to someone else and are sneaking about. Test the waters by saying that you feel like you are his mistress while you are making love to him. Listen and watch for his reaction. By being someone else, you can tell him the different things that you like. Use some creativity to bring the spark back. It won't just happen by yourself so go about it as a team and I am sure you will find the right formula in no time.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a question sent in by Tonya Long from New Zealand.

Q: I've been married for 11 years and my husband and I are very much in love. However, about a year ago we went through some hard times and I suspect that my husband cheated on me. I asked and he denied but my gut feeling tells me that he did it. I left it alone but recently, I met an old schoolmate and am thinking of having an affair myself. This man and me seem to have a lot in common and we enjoy each other's company a lot. I really don't want to destroy my marriage but deep inside, I just feel that my husband deserves me to cheat on him.

A: Tonya, are you listening to what you are saying? It seems you have provided the answer yourself. You don't want to destroy your marriage yet you are contemplating a potentially marriage-breaking exercise. In my opinion, your marriage seems to lack an open line of communication. There seems to be a lot of distrust and suspicion. An extra-marital affair never solved anything as far I know.

What I suggests is this.
1. Talk to him about the time when you suspected him having an affair. Don't bring it up directly but refer to it as the time when he seemed distanced from you. You have to have an open mind and weigh the possibilities should his answer go either way. What will you do or say should he admit to it? How will you react if he again declares he is innocent. You will have to let him know how much his behaviour at the time hurt you.

2. Discuss how you have both let the marriage get a little boring and come to a consensus on how you will both work to spicing things up.

3. Ideally, you should try getting away from familiar surroundings of the home. Take a short vacation when its just you and him and free from any family or work distractions.

4. You ought to put a stop to complicating things by having a vengeful affair yourself. You have the power to do so and if you are weak, you will never get down to the truth which will inevitably eat into you.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a query sent in by Stephen. He has a problem that is echoed by many emails I receive from time to time. So I guess now is as good a time as any to address it. 

Q: I just got married six months ago and it was great initially but now, my wife and I are not making out that often as before. I suppose it may be due to stress and family problems. Since I have a high sex drive, I can't stop fantasising having sex, even with other women. I know it is a bad thing to do but what should I do? Should I just pay some hooker or would I have to wait for my wife to come around and start making out again.


MS: A relationship is a very complex issue but it certainly becomes more complicated when marriage comes about. The initial months and even years, can involve a great adjustment in both of your lives as you go about adapting to a totally different sex of circumstances. There is naturally a mix of confusion, frustration, inward doubts, and sometimes even anger.

So the question is why then get married?

Well, it is a risk no doubt but it is also a challenge which we can take in a positive way. If you want to overcome the challenges, there is no two ways about it - you will have to do it as a team. It is the same way if you were a singles tennis player and now have to adapt to being in a doubles partnership. You will have to train with each other to get to know just about everything about  your new partner. Marriage is the same way but sadly, not given the same kind of attention (and training).

You don't have to live under the same roof with a woman to know that she has a phases but it's different now that you have to be there. There is no dropping her off quickly and heading home to your personal comfort zone.

I honestly feel that it is not so much about sex but more about her emotions behind this major phase in her life. Sometimes, it takes a longer time for some people to adjust to the new situation.

The best advise I can give you is to communicate. Obviously, you are second guessing her at this stage and she may just need a listening ear. It might just do the trick. Another thing to take note of is after all the excitement leading up to your wedding, she may be suffering a post-wedding burn out. Six months is not a lot of time for some to get over it.

However, if she is ignoring you, then there is a problem. Engage her. Ask her what is wrong. Send her loving and concerned text messages or post-its. Don't appear to put pressure on her having sex. Take her out. Romance her again.

Your suggestion of paying a hooker and getting off is only gong to complicate matters more. I'd rather you pay me the money for my advice! I'm no qualified marriage counselor mind you but I have been told that I have a good strategy in getting couples to come out and talk about things.

Good luck.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: What kind of bed is best for sex?

A: If you are not particularly adventurous, any bed will do really. But if you are constantly trying to take your love-making to new levels of athleticism, a soft mattress is definitely not ideal. You’ll want a firm one so that knees and elbows don’t sink in. A nice comfy headboard would be a welcome addition especially when the man wants to sit up while the woman is at work.

A platform bed is also ideal – better support and more sturdy. Besides with a pillow or thick carpet for knee support, the bed becomes a good prop for the man-from behind position. And try throwing in a few hard cushions and let your imagination run wild.

Personally for me, I would ideally like to try a variety of beds or props. I've tried a water bed once and it was really a great feeling having the contours of your body just slip in there. Unfortunately, the dude couldn't fuck to save his life! Just my luck to have a super bed and a super duper dud to go with!

In any case, you should invest in a good bed for a good night's sleep. If anything, you will need it more for that. As for sex, well you can really get it on anywhere.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: Do women enjoy the man-from behind position?

MS: Personally, I love it but only if the man does it right and not tries to bang you off the bed! The problem is not so much with the position but with how most men hold the woman when they do it. Most push down on the butt which makes it hard for the woman to keep on her fours. Others squeeze the waist too tight which can either be downright painful or ticklish.

All you really need to do is gently hold on to her waist, just below her pelvic bone – and support her gently. Just keep it simple, increase the rhythm on her cue and don’t over-estimate the length of your manhood or it will keep slipping out and hit her sensitive areas. Now this is a definite turn off.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Q: My bedroom is just too small for sex. What can I do?

MS: Unfortunately, in Singapore, many apartments, even (or especially) the private ones have bedrooms just big enough for a queen-sized bed. You will be lucky to fit a king-sized bed to be honest. Most wardrobes are built-in though.

But in all honesty, the bed is the least of your problems seeing that there is not much you can do to increase space. Perhaps, what you ought to do is make the room more conducive for the ritual.

Many often ignore the environmental factors – laundry basket, clutter on the floor or toilet-table, dusty frames or surfaces and the most important – the lack of ideal mood illumination. Go for incandescent lighting with a dark-coloured lamp shade or even candles if space is a serious issue. Keep the room clean, scent it up and if you like, bring in some music too.

Other than that, you will need a lot of imagination and creativity to make it a spicy experience.

Missus Singapore out!

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