ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is a question sent in my Martha Simon from Malaysia. She is 26 and works as an executive in a global advertising firm based in her homeland. She sent in a question that I have to admit, many women have asked me before. So here is her query and my best answer for her.

Q: I have been with my fiance for four years and love him a lot. However, lately, I find it harder to get aroused thinking of making love to him. The one solution I have found out is to fantasize about him making love to another woman. That always does the trick for me. In fact, I now pretend that I am the other woman. But that said, I am a very jealous woman and cannot bear to think of him with someone else. What is this about me?

MS: Well, the one thing I can say about sex is that feelings and fantasies about them are often not easy to explain. You have to know that they do not necessarily reflect what we actually want.

However, in a long-term relationship, one of the major challenges I find is to keep sex exciting. And to that extent, fantasy is one possible technique. While it is healthy and normal, I strongly suggest that you give some thought about why sex with him has become what it has.

How do you wish for it to be different? Perhaps you might share it with him because chances are, he might be feeling the same way too.

Maybe it is too routine? Too infrequent? Too often? Does he do things to you you don't particularly like? And does he know about that? Or do you wish for him to do certain things to you?

You will be surprised what many couples like yourselves can achieve by simple communication. In fact, talking sometimes can be a real turn on as you both discover a deeper side of each other.

Consider this. You could role play? Make believe that you are both married to someone else and are sneaking about. Test the waters by saying that you feel like you are his mistress while you are making love to him. Listen and watch for his reaction. By being someone else, you can tell him the different things that you like. Use some creativity to bring the spark back. It won't just happen by yourself so go about it as a team and I am sure you will find the right formula in no time.

Missus Singapore out!

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MILF FANTASY

I can't tell you how many emails I've received from 'younger' men (and curiously two women) asking me to fulfill their MILF fantasy which is to have it on with an 'older' woman. I'll probably have to organised a get-together to assess possible candidates!

How shall I handle this? Any suggestions? Maybe a series on 'Missus Singapore gets intimate with...' or perhaps a totally new 'The MS make a wish come true' segment.

Maybe even a contest to see who can come up with the most creative fantasy which I will like to capture on   camera or video. I will figure it out and I will get back to you.

I know this MILF is a hot phenomenon and has been for the past five or six years but wow, wow and wow. It's a good time to be a MILF! 

Further updates: I've also been invited by a sex worker from Down Under who runs a superb blog to be a guest blogger! Can you imagine that? She actually wants me, Missus Singapore? I am so humbled by the offer and yet excited by it. The only thing is that I've yet to decide what to write about. I wish blood was in the right end of my body more often!

Missus Singapore out!

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SHARING FANTASIES

Whenever I fantasise, the sky is no limit. While I enjoy being turned on by a vast amount of thoughts, I don't confine myself to heterosexual activities only.

There are times, I admit, when I fantasize about other women performing oral sex on me or me on them. And I believe that it's perfectly normal. And I share them with my significant other without hesitation. He does likewise and such openness has definitely contributed to us being happy together for more than 20 years.

A friend was telling me the other day how she had a dream about an African American woman doing a 69 with her. She also said that when she woke up, she was extremely wet and decided to get herself off. But thereafter, she felt total guilt. I asked her why and she said that it was not right.  That was it.

She had always found an attraction to women of African origin but admitted that she always kept it in her thoughts. But over the years, it had begun to eat into her and wanted very much to share it with her husband of 10 years.

I told her she should. Two days later, she called me and told me that she mentioned it to her husband and he was so aroused by it that they had it out then and there. It was wild but more importantly, a slew of sharing deep fantasies flowed between the two of them. She admitted that seeing how it had mysteriously brought them closer, she wished she had done it sooner.

Sharing fantasies has its pros and cons but it does bring couples together in ways that other things can't. It's like we all know there is a hidden door to our partner's thoughts and it will always eat into us wanting to know what lies beyond. If it is not opened (or shared) there is always a deep feeling within that we cannot forge that ultimate closeness.

Granted a relationship will not necessarily suffer if you don't share them but it will move onto a different level. The dynamics in the relationship suddenly changes - trust and closeness are enhanced.

Of course to realise these fantasies is another matter altogether. Sometimes it works out while other times, it can be a recipe for disaster. Whether you want to share or realise fantasies, I think it is important to know your partner really well - on a level beyond sex - such as his/her background, ideals, thoughts and of course openness to expressing his/her sexuality. The ultimate goal should be to share as much as possible in order to build strong communication lines that will help in all aspects of the relationship.

Think about it, if you can share deep dark fantasies, secrets or such, talking about anything and everything else will get a lot easier. Talk is so underrated these days. I can assure you, your sex lives will pick up a notch when you can communicate better with your partner.

Missus Singapore out!

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ASK THE BOLDER WOMAN

Here is another column featured in a men's magazine.

Q: How do I start sharing sexual fantasies with my partner?

MS: I’m all for fantasy sharing but timing and dosage are vital. Men usually get timing terribly wrong. It’s not about when you feel like sharing but whether she is in the mood to hear it. Bottom line: know your woman well.

If a woman is particularly conservative in the fantasy realm, overwhelming her with hardcore ideas may have her packing her bags. So the key is to start simple, like wanting to get it on in a parked car or on the kitchen cabinet with her. Then gradually change the location, activities and personnel.

Just remember that once the ball is in motion, you should be able to take it as good as you dish it out.

Missus Singapore out!

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