AUSSIE AUCTION

This joke was sent in by George, from Australia. I really wonder if he's talking about his wife. So is this what auctions in Australia are like? Anyway, enjoy this. I certainly did.

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

Missus Singapore out!

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BANK BET

I received this from Connie from Canada. She writes regularly to me but this time, she decided to send me some funnies. This one in particular is something I came across some years ago but still managed to make me laugh. I just love it and I can only visualise the late Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls playing the role of the old lady. It's a little long but I'm sure you will enjoy it too.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.

"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

Missus Singapore out!

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HOW TO SATISFY YOUR PARTNER

I received this last week from Janet Tan from Singapore. She is a regular reader of Missus Singapore.

The 39-year old, who works as a accountant, has three children and sent this in an email saying, "There are just so many jokes about women that I felt it was time to even the odds to make fun of the men for a change. It's time for them to know how easy it is for a woman to get any man they so desire."

How to satisfy a woman
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

How to satisfy a man
Show up naked with food.

Missus Singapore out!

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LUCKY WIFE

This was one of several jokes sent in by Charles. I picked this one because my significant other is always calling me a lucky witch! So it has some association with me.  

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

Missus Singapore out!

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TOY GRADING

Sally met Harry at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom.

Harry noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Harry turned to Sally and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Sally said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

MS: Thanks Vinny for this and the four pages of jokes you sent in. A great belated Christmas present I must say!

Missus Singapore out!

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A SISTER FROM TEXAS

A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, "Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?"

"Sure do," said the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."

The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.

When the woman answered it, he asked "Are you Arlene from Texas?"

"I sure am," she replied.

"Well, I got two hundred dollars," he proudly said.

The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him into the room. After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour, the Texan got up to leave.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure," Arlene said, "I'll be here."

The next night, the Texan came back and went up to Room 6. Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan was sitting on the side of the bed and he asked, "Will you be here tomorrow night?"

"Honey," she said, "I'll be here every night for you."

The next night, the Texan came back again. Same thing: two hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, they were both sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Say," Arlene said, "Which part of Texas you from?"

"I'm from Dallas," the Texan says, with a big grin.

"Well, I got a sister in Dallas!" the hooker cries.

"I know it," the Texan says, "and she gave me six hundred dollars to give to you!"

Thanks for this joke Susan from Kansas.

Missus Singapore out!

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