Fifth Ward DFL Convention "Side Show" Featured "The Gubernatorially Tall Man"

Photos By John Hoff 

Though the main act at Saturday's convention was Don Samuels versus Kenya McKnight, there were a lot of political "side shows" happening, too. This blog post features one of them...

In the top photo--right where he belongs--is John Marty, a state senator from Roseville who would like to run for governor. (His website is www.johnmarty.org) He is the chair of a committee which deals in health and housing. But, more important than all these things, HE IS RATHER TALL. 

How tall? Well, taller than the current governor, and that's what matters. Did you know 85 percent of the time, the TALLEST candidate wins? It's OK if you didn't know that, because John Marty knows it, which is exactly what you expect from a tall leader.

Remember, running for governor is a TALL ORDER, so John Marty is your man.

Note in the picture above how John Marty TOWERS OVER MERE MORTALS, such as the woman on the left. Vote for John Marty, or he might...squash us and eat us!!!!!!!!

In the second photo...somebody who is working for the Marty campaign. Wait, why are fifty percent of the readers of this blog post lingering so long on the SECOND photo, paying virtually no attention to the first? Stop looking at the second photo! DRAW YOUR AMAZED EYES TO THE VERY TALL MAN!!! He is the point of the show. Note how TALL he is, GUBERNATORIALLY TALL!!!!

Well...I guess if tallness doesn't work, one could run the other guy and play the "good looks" card. I wonder what percentage of the time the candidate who is MUCH BETTER LOOKING wins the race? 

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What "Recession" Looks Like In America's Obscenely-Overflowing Dumpsters

Photos By John Hoff

Connie Nompelis (NO-bliss) is glamorous and financially successful in her real estate profession, which causes Connie to spend a lot of time in North Minneapolis. Connie has also kicked around lots in Honduras, so she's appalled by the wasteful habits of Americans after spending time in the Third World. This happens to almost everybody who spends any amount of time in the Third World.

As odd as this sounds, me and lovely Connie have gone dumpster diving together. She's had me sign copies of the two books I've written on the subject of "proactive urban scavenging." She's fed me a delightful crock pot stew from turkey we salvaged together I-won't-say-where-exactly. (The photo above is part of our haul that night) Connie has read most or at least many of the writings of the "Simplicity Movement," which thrived back in the heyday of Clintonian prosperity. My first book on dumpster diving is one of those writings, albeit some have characterized those writings as part of the "fringe" of the Simplicity Movement.

Oh well.

Turns out Connie read my first book YEARS ago, before I ever ran into her in North Minneapolis. I really wish Connie would turn into an obsessed fan and stalk me. I wouldn't try to get away. Honest.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up...

...has little to do with Connie or North Minneapolis, but I am determined to, as it were, go through the literary motions of tying everything to North Minneapolis. So there.

Through my blogging efforts, I met a young Harvard student named Deolinda Martins. When I say I "met" Deolinda, well, I've never actually spoken to her, let alone met her in person. (Which is a shame, as a Google image search reveals she is, well, HOT) It turns out Deolinda and myself share an incredibly arcane and obscure public policy passion: we are both obsessed with the Bill Emerson Good Samaritan Food Donation Act.

Well, actually, our mutual obsession is even more RARIFIED than this obscure, relatively unpublicized law which could feed every hungry person in America if only the law were better PUBLICIZED.

How can this one law do so much, you might ask? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

Grocery stores and restaurants produce obscene mountains of food waste, but pointlessly obsess over "liability issues" when it comes to food donation to, for example, food banks. But the Bill Emerson law basically protects stores and restaurants from liability. Only one problem with the law: it's not very well publicized. The Clinton administration was publicizing it shortly after passage but then a minor matter came up: a certain JEZEBEL WHORE named Monica Lewinsky.

But I digress.

Anyway, it turns out both Deolinda Martins and myself are obsessed with why the Bill Emerson Good Samaritan Food Donation Act isn't better PUBLICIZED. That's how Martins located me in the blogosphere world. I had written a few things about this law and how the lack of publicity about the law basically thwarts the PURPOSE of the law.

So Deolinda was writing her academic paper, and this question about why the law wasn't better publicized was one of the questions she was puzzling over. Also, Deolinda has spent a lot of time outside of the United States--just like Connie Nompelis--so Deolinda apparently has the same horror over American waste habits. (In fact, I seem to recall Deolinda telling me she has roots in Portugal)

Though Deolinda is only an undergrad, I've proofread a doctoral thesis or two in my time and let me just say I'm amazed by the quality and effort which went into this "undergrad" paper, which reads more like something written by a PhD candidate.

At a certain point quite early in the development of her paper, Deolinda communicated with me and I encouraged her, brainstormed with her and--many times--tried to rally her in moments of discouragement by telling her how IMPORTANT a paper like this could be, especially if the idea of JUST PUBLICIZING THIS LAW got into the heads of the Obama administration as a measure to help Americans avoid the terrible pain being caused by this recession, until we get through it.

(Whether recession is such a "bad" thing, however, particularly when landfill waste is down approximately 30 percent, is a more complex topic. I would argue that a sustainable green economy can't run on Keynesian economic principals--which appear to rely on perpetual growth rooted in extraction of natural resources. Clearly, new "green economy" models are needed)

All the same, Americans being in need while dumpsters overflow with perfectly good and PERFECTLY SAFE food is another matter entirely, and our government should respond. One easy and economical way to respond is to simply publicize the Bill Emerson Good Samaritan Food Donations Act, producing massive resources to feed the hungry--whoosh--out of THIN AIR.

(Take a look at red hot Connie, in the picture above. Does she look like she's keeling over from food poisoning? Publicize the law, I say! SAVE THE GOOD FOOD THAT'S BEING TOSSED IN DUMPSTERS!)

Deolinda sent me her paper in the form of PDF files, and I've put these on the Johnny Northside PDF support website, click here, for those who want to curl up with an academic paper which is many, many pages long. But somebody will care about this paper, I think--I already sent it to some old friends at Real Change newspaper in Seattle--and I am very hopeful Deolinda's academic masterpiece will have a positive social impact and miraculously feed the hungry, like Jesus making loaves and fish just...replicate, like...WHOOSH!!!! Wow, dude, where did all this FISH come from?!!! Yummy. Yummy miracle fish!

Oh, by the way, my books on dumpster diving are NOT listed as sources in the paper. Generally, books with a cartoon in every chapter don't get cited in academic papers.

But do such books have an impact on society? Oh, yes, they do...just like a blog does.

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The "Lost Victorian" At 3216 3rd Ave. S.

Photos By Connie Nompelis

There was an alarming and sudden demolition of an old Victorian house in South Minneapolis, and though it may be a case of "mission creep" for this North Minneapolis blog to report on the matter, I am concerned that what happens in South may not remain in South, but could become a pattern in North.

Connie Nompelis (pronounced NO-bliss) forwarded me these pictures, and a firsthand account from a neighbor, David Piehl, as follows:

Imagine my surprise, yesterday evening, when I drove down 3rd Avenue and found 3216 to be completely gone...

...except the front porch base, a hole in the ground, and a backhoe near the alley.

This property is not on the most recently published 249 list at all, and certainly had not been approved for demolition by CPED or CANDO. Nobody in the neighborhood, as far as I can tell, received ANY notice of a potential demolition for this property. The house itself was attractive on the exterior with the exception of some bad updates on the rear that have been there (for longer than 16 years).

I've since learned that GMHC at some point purchased the house, and according to city records applied for a demolition permit on March 12, 2009. GMHC did not make any notification to the neighborhood at all.

In the 1990s, the neighborhood group asked GMHC to develop certain lots, and the block clubs as well as the housing committee had input not only into site selection, but also design of the new construction from a list of options provided by GMHC. I am appalled that GMHC circumvented the neighborhood altogether, particularly since they are relying on OUR tax dollars to do so!

Central Neighborhood's resident-approved plans call for renovation of older homes and NO demolition unless absolutely necessary. So, while a burned-out home on the 3100 block of Columbus Ave. languishes, 3216 3rd falls to teh backhoe with no notification whatsoever. This demolition flies in the face of the city's efforts to drastically reduce demolitions, demolishing only where necessary...not just because it is cheaper to demolish than fix the existing construction.

This has to stop. So far the private market has been addressing most of the foreclosed homes in Central; GMHC should only be called in to deal with properties that the private market leaves behind, thereby spending scarce tax revenue only where most needed.

Please support a moratorium on GMHC demolition permits until notification processes and standards can be worked out. As far as the vacant lot that was created, I hope we do not have to endure the construction of another GMHC "Milk Carton." The privately developed new construction on this same block (2nd Ave. side) is the model that should be followed, whether or not it is privately developed.

Yesterday, 3216 3rd Ave. S. was hauled to a landfill. By the looks of what was left in the hole, not even the hot water registers were salvaged.

(JNS says: clearly, no attempt to salvage bricks, either)

Remember that the greenest housing is what's already here. The demolition of 3216 is a slap in the face to the block club, the neighborhood group, the city, preservationists, and the green movement. Please address this with all due expediency.

(Piehl's communication was sent to the following city officials: Elizabeth A. Glidden, Council Member Gary Schiff, Robert Lilligren, and Lisa Goodman)

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Drinking Guifiti Shots In North Minneapolis (Yes, "Guifiti")

This doesn't have anything to do with North Minneapolis, except for the people involved. Connie Nompelis, real estate agent and rehabber extraordinaire, has family connections in Honduras and still gets back there from time to time. One of her favorite places in Honduras has an interesting history and an interesting drink to go with it...

In the 1600s, two Spanish ships were sunk off the coast of Honduras. The ships were loaded with black slaves, many of whom survived the shipwreck, and lived among the Native Americans in that region, creating a new people and culture. Though it's more complicated than that--check out this link, click here--one surviving aspect of this blending of black and Native American culture is a drink called "Guifiti."

(Like "Chick-a-dee," only it's "Gif-a-dee." Don't be fooled by the spelling, especially if you're familiar with Spanish. That's how it's pronounced, really)

The way Connie explains it, a bottle is filled with an (apparently) secret concoction of plants, though coconut chips are apparently a small part of the recipe. (I can read the words "artesania cocunut chip" on the label, but I can't actually SEE any of the chips in the bottle) Next, liquor is added. What kind of liquor? According to Connie, it's some really inexpensive stuff...the Honduran equivalent of moonshine, but rum is also used. The stuff in the mixture of plants leaches out into the liquor. You can refill the bottle several times and get more value out of the plants; rum is usually the preferred liquor for refills.

I scored a $4.99 bottle of rum at Mervin's for this purpose. After all, you need CHEAP rum to be authentic.

So, you're probably wondering, what does it taste like?

The easiest way to describe it is...vile. Almost impossible to drink. It tastes like Jagermeister without any sweet flavor, and (if you can believe it!) much more herby than Jagermeister, like the stuff which might be left over at the bottom of the kettle after brewing up a batch of "Jag." I could down the stuff without a problem but, well, regular readers are quite familiar with my legendary strong stomach. (Though "strong stomach" may not be the right word...I actually LIKE the weird stuff I'm eating)

In any case, flavor is not really the point of this drink. The point of Guifiti is, well, it's...

An aphrodisiac. Allegedly.

I had a couple of shots of this stuff with Connie...hard to tell if something is an aphrodisiac when a woman as hot as Connie is around, if ya know what I mean...and then, a few nights later, I had a couple more shots with Jeff and Connie. (Connie, who actually brought the bottle and gave it to me, didn't indulge that time, though there were a few off-color jokes about the possible effects of me and Jeff drinking the stuff together)

The first time I had some of Guifiti, I figured out the vile taste needed to be MODIFIED, somehow. I slugged down my second shot with a big spoonful of sugar. ("Just a spoonful of sugar makes the Guifiti go down, the Guifiti go down...")

Jeff poured his sugar on his hand like you would with salt while doing a tequila shot. (Personally, I think the salt and lime thing is for wimps, and real men drink their tequila straight up) The result was, according to Jeff, not half bad. And, after all, there's plenty of cane sugar in South America.

I tried researching Guifiti and didn't find too much on the internet, except for a very short research paper, the conclusion of which appears to be: some ingredients can be identified, but who KNOWS what's in the stuff? Click here for that research paper.

Oh, also, some authentic Guifiti recipes use MARIJUANA ROOTS. (But reportedly not the ones sold to tourists)

All the same, if I come up hot on a (expletive) test, I'm blaming Connie. Totally. Dude.

Word from Connie is this region of Honduras is putting itself on the tourist map; a cruise ship recently pulled into one of the towns for the very first time. A local hotel is preparing to meet the seagoing gravy train.

I can just see something like this becoming a hot trend. Well, I spotted it from afar, like the surfer dudes who bought a cheap Mexican beer called "Corona" and, well, what do you know? Everybody wanted to drink what the surfer dudes were drinking.

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An Open Letter To President Obama In Regard To Predatory Towing Abuses

Flickr.com Photo

On this historic day, I am taking the opportunity to write an open letter to our new president. The subject of the letter is not the usual stuff I put on this blog...

You see, I have an area of passion in regard to public policy reform...and what that area is, exactly, surprises a lot of folks, who think I throw all my spare creative energy into livability in North Minneapolis. In fact, I also care about the issue of "predatory towing," an emerging national problem.

For most of the last year, I've been doing more than my fair share just to help popularize the term "predatory towing" as part of a consciousness-raising effort on my OTHER blog, Towing Utopia Dot Com.

I believe cracking down on predatory towing--the seizure of vehicles on flimsy pretexts, which disproportionately impacts poor people and students--is a way to help protect individuals in this tough economy. Also, it's cheaper to regulate things than to fund various bail outs.

How do you fix an economy when your nation is in a deep financial hole? You regulate away the things which are hurting people, like taking their cars on flimsy pretexts when they need to drive to employment. You encourage cost effective high-tech solutions, like some cities have begun to implement instead of remaining stuck in archaic technologies. (Metal hooks and carbon paper, I like to say)

I hope those who regularly enjoy my Johnny Northside Dot blog may take a moment to read my Open Letter To President Obama on the subject of regulating predatory towing, click here for a link. If you read the many media stories I've collected on this other blog, you may be surprised to learn how much predatory towing impacts our nation.

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Images From The Rybak/Kaplan New Year's Eve Shindig

Photos By John Hoff

Here are images from the "Rybak/Kaplan Shindig," which featured a constellation of DFL political heavyweights and took place at the luxurious home of fundraiser (and political kingmakers) Sam and Sylvia Kaplan. 

From top to bottom: Dolls in the likenesses of Sam and Sylvia Kaplan. City Councilman Don Samuels to the right of some cool artwork in the Kaplan house. No sign of Don's opponent, JACC Executive Director Jerry Moore. 

Possible and Presumed Senator-Elect Al Franken, with Hawthorne Housing Director Jeff Skrenes. 

The wine flowed like, well, wine. Next, they say it isn't a party until something gets broken. These two china figurines were apparently sacrificed to the saying, knocked over in the coatroom because, as one of the coat room helpers put it, "There were just too many people packed in here, and some guy bumped them."

In an urn by the front door, actual swords co-exist with a pink Care Bear umbrella. Can peace between Israel and Hamas be far off? 

Last, numerous ice globes with lit candles inside stole the show before guests even got inside the Kaplan house. Somebody spent A LOT of time making those. But the effect of the ice globes was magical. 

(Do not click "Read More") 

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