Military Police Unit Contemplates North Minneapolis Mission...

Declassified Neighborhood Photo 

This grainy, recently-declassified image was reportedly taken at a NoMi home tour, and shows a member of a military police unit who is making preparations to buy and, yes, OCCUPY a house in North Minneapolis.

The soldier (whose name is still TOP SECRET) is reportedly a young, married female staff sergeant (E-6) who just finished a mission "cleaning up the mess" at Abu Ghraib prison in  Iraq, and wears a combat infantry badge she was awarded for... 

...enduring and surviving a mortar attack. An offer to trade an important (but redundant) organ for the badge in question was politely declined by the soldier.

Notably, I have been inside the very house this soldier is contemplating purchasing, (on a one-man clean-up mission I expect to be declassified very soon) and it is an amazing, pretty, historical house in a very quiet and safe part of the neighborhood. She'd have to go several blocks to be NEAR anything rough.

Therefore, I fear the considerable talents and skills of this soldier may go to waste on a block like the one where she's contemplating a purchase. We'd be a lot better off dropping her down in the middle of the (expletive) and saying, "Help us clean this up."

However, hopefully this soldier has dozens and dozens of friends looking for affordable, roomy houses for pennies on the dollar.

I spoke to the soldier, and conversation quickly turned to the high-tech "shot spotters" which have been making North Minneapolis (NoMi) safer by leaps and bounds. When a shot is fired, its location can be pinpointed. Cameras swivel on little servo-motors, and catch images of fleeing cars, running individuals. Anybody who fires a gun in North Minneapolis has to be desperate or crazy.

I could see the wheels turning in her head. She wanted to know all about the shot spotters. I told her to use "shot spotters" as a search term on this blog, then go back, find the post about my old law school buddy Nate Hanson's obsession with the shot spotters, and she could turn up a document with the precise locations.

In my observation as a highly-trained, former United States Army psych tech, there was no fear in this soldier's eyes, only calm and calculation. SOMEBODY needs to say it to her in a very public way, and so I will say it: WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME to NoMi, and THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY.

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Polishing Up A "Diamond In The Rough" At The $7,900 House Of Connie Nompelis...

Photos By John Hoff

Getting an incredible bargain on an antique house in NoMi and having a wine-n-cheese party is the fun part. After that comes a lot of work and a lot of expenses.

If part of the point of buying the house was to support neighborhood revitalization, then it's important to start changing things for the better within the first few days, even if these are just minor cosmetic changes. So it was I found myself helping out at the $7,900 house of Connie Nompelis (No-buhl-iss, it's Greek) in the days after the housewarming party, click here for some details, oh, and also click here.

It's amazing how what looks like a...

...relatively minor amount of leaves in a yard of modest size filled up the truck bed of a Ford F-150 three times. I pulled a good amount of firewood into a pile, too, some of which we burned last night at the birthday party of Jeff Skrenes, (parody alert) just starting to get his life back through physical therapy after a dramatic and bizarre mishap involving unwanted phone books "power dumped" by Dex.

There were certain things I found in the yard I figured Connie might want to glance at, since these fragments are sort of like history of the house. An old, rusted metal "dream catcher" turned up at the end of my rake. What dreams did it once catch? What new dreams is it catching now? I also found a bizarre device--clearly a corkscrew, but ten times the size of a regular corkscrew, apparently made to uncork something of vat-like size. What on earth?

Well, since NoMi revitalization forces tend to drink a lot more wine than beer, I figured the gigantic corkscrew was some kind of good omen. I left it on the porch for Connie to examine, since it was the history of HER house, and I was just working there like a peon performing manual labor on her hacienda. (Si, Senorita Nompelis)

Other pieces of "ersatz archeology" were minor, but told a story that flashed as quickly as an internet pop up: a child's black and red cloth glove, beneath a bag of leaves that hadn't moved for a year. A busted piece of a lug wrench, in the alley near the garage, right where you would change a tire. Personally, I find it helpful to put some WD-40 on a lug nut before loosening, but some people have to learn automotive repair lessons the hard way.

In a narrow, neglected space between the house and the ugly chain link fence (but ugly only in the sense ALL chain link is ugly) was an incredible accumulation of pet food cans. Clearly, somebody would feed the a cat or dog on the porch, and then just toss the empty pet food can between the house and the fence.

Here are some other things I found:

# Plenty of plastic baggies. (Sarcasm font) No doubt evidence of lovingly-packed bag lunches for "Straight A" students.

# A brown hair extension left in the yard. In that moment, one pictures a scene...people in the back yard, drinking and smoking dope. Words are exchanged. "Bitch," comes the declaration. "I will RIP YOUR HAIR OUT!!!!"

But the declaration was incorrect. It wasn't REALLY her hair.

# What I thought at first was some kind of tree root, but it was an old string of Christmas lights. Here's valuable advice: You can't compost Christmas lights. They are NOT bio-degradable.

# Numerous fossilized chicken bones, from millions of years ago when primordial fowl were the undisputed masters of what is now Farview Park, their only formidable foe being Pitbullasaurus.

# A phone book, exposed so long to rain and sunshine that it was becoming compost and could, arguably, turn into a tree again, given a few more years and a lot of hard work by the worms.

Thanks, Dex, for MESSING UP OUR NEIGHBORHOOD WITH YOUR UNWANTED PHONE BOOKS. YOU SUCK.

Did I mention the nearly-fatal injuries to our Housing Director? Oh, yeah, I think I did. Much more on THAT later.

The picture at the bottom shows Connie's apple tree. It is almost but not quite dead. A few branches are putting out buds. My theory is the tree, if cut down, will spring up new shoots and the tree will replace itself, but Connie says cutting up the dead tree is not really a priority, right now.

It's her house. She can do what she wants with it. And, really, isn't that the point of home ownership? A man is a king, a woman is a queen, though their kingdom be small. These kind of incredible bargains are to be had all over NoMi.

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See Glass Blowing In NoMi Today, Tomorrow...

Flickr.com image

FK Art Glass, located in a residence at 2210 Bryant Ave. N., is part of an event called "Art-A-Whirl" and they will be having tours and barbecue TODAY, Saturday, May 16, from 6 to 9 PM.

(There are also some "open hours" tomorrow, Sunday, May 17, from noon to 5 PM)

The house where FK Art glass is located is very striking, because it is an old house in mid-renovation. Part of the exterior has been redone in a colorful way, but part remains the old exterior. You kinda gotta see it to believe it. Very cool, very artsy, very NoMi.

Of course, anybody who wants to purchase a house and blow glass, make art out of tree trunks, do WHATEVER can get houses in NoMi for, like, geez I saw a great one listed at $13,900 the other day and it wasn't even CONDEMNED.

Anyway, if you're in NoMi (North Minneapolis) and you'd like to take in the glass blowing thing, get to 2210 Bryant Ave. N. The flier I was handed with this info says, "Obviously we have HOT glass, but there will also be HOT dogs and HOT bratwurst and HOT chicken. You get the idea."

For more information, call FK Art Glass at 612-521-9773

(Do not click "Read More")

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Apple Blossoms Greet Would-Be Home Buyers In NoMi

Photo By John Hoff, from car window speeding past

This is the time of year in North Minneapolis when you really NOTICE trees you hadn't noticed before, as apple trees are filled with blossoms. This tree, pictured above, is located next to a house at the periphery of the Hawthorne Eco Village cluster, a house I've struggled--over and over--to keep secured.

I never even...

...noticed this tree before, as I'd called 311, called the owner of the lockbox on the exterior (the were clueless) and checked this place, over and over, to keep it secured.

A couple days ago I drove past and it was like...whoah. Look at those apple blossoms!

Some first-time home buyer who buys this house is going to love that tree, I thought.

And then I realized...well, if you wan to know which houses in NoMi have lovely blooming trees--if you want to SEE the trees in bloom, and not just speculate based upon your ability to recognize a blooming tree--now is the perfect time to go home shopping in NoMi.

And, yes, I did cut off some small branches of apple blossoms to place in a vase. I figure it's a small bit of payback for all the free volunteer work I do under the city's "adopt vacant houses" mandate. However, when I had my camera with me I was speeding past with a friend so...this photo isn't really up to my usual standard. It is taken on the fly, as we rush from one place to another, trying to revitalize our NoMi neighborhood with blood and sweat.

(It's a little known fact that I was named after Johnny Appleseed. True, my paternal grandfather is named "John," but for a number of complicated reasons...I was actually named after Johnny Appleseed)

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No More Mail Collected Here: More Signs Of Deep Demographic Change In NoMi

Photo By John Hoff 

I was mailing a letter a few days ago, and I encountered yet another sign of the deep demographic change which has taken place in North Minneapolis due to foreclosures and associated vacancies. So deep are the demographic shifts, that a rather smart friend of mine asserts in the next census North Minneapolis might be no longer "majority black." One thing is for sure: this place has lost an incredible amount of population.

So one sees little signs of how much has changed. And here's one of those signs:

Next to the "super market" style liquor store at Lyndale Ave. N. and West Broadway, where no-account characters pretty much hang out in and around the parking lot all the time, loitering for no good purpose, there is blue post office box. I often use it because it is convenient.

Well, that won't be happening anymore....


An official notice on the box says the box will soon be removed, and it states the reason. Mail at that collection point has dropped off sharply.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign...that things have deeply, irrevocably changed, and until the next census data rolls around, we can hardly reckon up what, exactly, the changes are.

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A MAGICAL NIGHT IN NoMi: Party At The $7,900 House! Pictures And More Stories! What You See Here Can Be Yours In NoMi For CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP!

Photos By John Hoff

Here are some pictures from the "magical night in NoMi," the candlelit "condemned house party" at the new home of Connie Nompelis.  (No-bell-iss)

As you can see in the first photo,  a house being "condemned" doesn't mean it's in terrible condition inside (note the glasswork!) or that it will be torn down. It just means a good deal of fixing will be required to meet the standard set by the city. But when you're only paying $7,900 for a house, hopefully that leaves plenty left over for fixes.

In the next photo, some backyard rubble got pressed into service, doing double duty as a candle holder and a weight for boards where guests could set down wine glasses. Seldom has a girl loved candles so much as Connie. She must pay her electric bill with pocket change. (Kind of like what she used to buy this house)

Next two photos, guests are awed and almost blinded by...

...The Glorious Rainbow Ceiling Fan. Even as the first rainbow was a sign that God would never again destroy the earth with flooding, this multi-colored apparition on high is a sign that mighty forces of neighborhood revitalization--banding together in unbeatable social networks--will destroy and disrupt blight and crime, turning North Minneapolis into a freshly-washed world of urban possibilities.

Time for crackheads to start building an ark.

Next, the "Dyna-mobile," chosen transportation mode of Dyna Sluyter. Dyna is known for getting on the e-democracy forum and writing about crime issues. Below that, "inveterate North Sider Buzzy Bohn," who made a point of inviting Mayor Rybak to move to North Minneapolis.

Below Buzzy is Brian Finstad, who has a passion for fighting neighborhood crime in SOUTH Minneapolis. Brian and his partner are increasingly excited about home-buyer possibilities in NORTH Minneapolis. Brian is posing with the "Atlas Pillar" on Connie's porch. A single post is holding up the entire porch roof, since the other two pillars were apparently stolen; carted off to be sold who-knows-where. Brian's theory was the thieves left the last pillar because otherwise the porch roof would have collapsed, bringing too much attention.

Next, a young guest holds a box of marshmallow Peeps, soon to be roasted in a bonfire behind Connie's house. In the photo below that, Hawthorne Housing Director Jeff Skrenes brings a fire extinguisher to the party. He's such a party pooper.

Directly below Jeff, Brian Finstad explains how toasted Peeps take longer to cool than plain toasted marshmallows, but have a more delightfully carmel surface. Finstad attributes this to more sugar in the Peeps. What do I know? The only Peep I toasted was snatched off my stick and hungrily devoured by Connie.

In the last two photos, Connie's neighbor (from one of her other houses) Gordon Boudreau prepares to massacre pretty much the entire Peeps family tree. Later--not content with merely roasting Peeps candies--Gordon tried roasting other stuff, like cheese doodles. Gordon made reference to an article in The Onion, a parody newspaper, which featured a woman who thinks anything with the word "Tuscan" in it is bound to taste good. Likewise, Gordon believes almost any food is better if it can be ROASTED.

I'm not even sure how Gordon managed to mount the cheese doodle to the stick. Aren't cheese doodles brittle? What is this great roasting chef's SECRET?

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